Damage assessment

Day two. The puppets are all present and accounted for. Damage during the shipping process was remarkably minimal.

As was to be expected, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld complained the loudest. "What's this ground transportation bullshit?," he screamed as he emerged from his packing crate. "I'm accustomed to first class all the way. And that truck stop food gave me gas. Bad. Just look how bloated I am. Oh Jeez, I'm gonna die!"

Vice President Dick Cheney suffered a similar complaint, saying he had a severe case of heartburn. Upon closer examination, it was clear that his condition could be considered far more serious -- his pacemaker battery had fallen off completely. However, the loss was not as catastrophic as it could have been had he actually had a heart.

Oil lobbyist Phillip Cooney suffered the worst of any of the puppets. Apparently he got into a barroom brawl the night they stopped in Memphis and came away with a broken nose and a missing eye. Fortunately, he received immediate attention from a plastic surgeon with a glue gun, and he's feeling good as new now and looking almost as handsome.

A few other booboos were noted, but it is not known whether these were travel related or whether they were result of ordinary occupational hazards. Both Tony Snow and Scotty McClellan (current and former Press Secretaries, respectively) lost an arm, but then they sustain injuries every single time they go to bat for the President, so it's difficult to say how these injuries originated. The president's father, George H.W. Bush also lost an arm, but this may have been an age-related accident and not attributable to travel.

All in all, the puppets traveled as well as or better than we'd hoped. They have been out stretching their legs today, running their lines and getting ready for opening night tomorrow.